Medical science has narrowed down the two most probable causes for horrible symptoms such as Republicanis Elephantitis (Republicanism) and Conservatosis (Conservativism) to two well known contagious diseases: Arrogantoma Self-arhea  (Arrogant Self-Interest) and Ignoramus Stupidifius (Ignorant Stupidity).

Arrogant Self-Interest appears to be the primary contagion among afluent, land-owning, business-controlling, politically active sufferers of Republicanism, who reside primarily in the Northeast U.S., especially in Washington D.C. & The Hamptons, with cases appearing as far away as Wasilla, Alaska.

Ignorant Stupidity is more often the diagnosis for the less wealthy, less educated Republicans in the heartland, where farmers and rednecks are so afraid of anyone different than them that they enthusiastically send their children to die fighting for the oil rights of the more wealthy Republicans, thinking for various reasons that it is the will of Jesus, who preached peace. One of the best documented cases, who will not be named here out of respect for the mentally-disabled, has been known to roam a large range of habitats from Crawford, TX to Washington D.C., although in that case, the stupid ignoramus is also one of the arrogant self-interested types.

While slightly less numerous, in many cases Senioritis Dementosis (Senile Dementia) is also responsible for Conservative Republican views, and, in a few drastic cases, the culpret for this horrible affliction is actually just plain old Insanity.

No cure is currently known, as once these sicknesses set in, they root themselves so deep in the patients’ psyche’s that any treatment involving doses of logic and/or empathy are immediately rejected by the host body. The best treatment for these sad souls is isolation from other, more reasonable and sympathetic people, to prevent needless suffering on the part of the uninfected.